It can be difficult to understand job advertisements nowadays, so in an effort to make things simpler for people and perhaps improve their chances of finding a “good fit” (ie a job that will pay them and not eat their soul) I offer the following translation guide to a typical SEEK advertisement. Original post in blue, commentary in italics.

(Disclaimer: I know nothing about the company that actually produced this masterpiece of advertorial bullshit. I have removed the name. For all I know they might be lovely to work for. If they are, the first thing they should do is sack whichever potplant writes their SEEK ads.)

About [CompanyName]

We start by selling you on the company, because we consider sales to be the primary point of a company. Actually having a product to sell is way behind that in importance. As long as you have sales, everything else is irrelevant.

Our team at CompanyName are driven by a desire to create freedom for our clients by facilitating technology solutions that are free of limitations and tailored to suit their needs.
We sell software to other companies.

We are proud to specialise in offering SME’s and Mid Market Organisations across [region] with a one stop shop to outsource their ICT strategy development, management, procurement and support requirements.
We sell software to other companies full of wankers like us.

Through our strategic technology partnerships, we are able to deliver tailor-made technology projects and solutions to larger enterprises.
Being wankers is very important to us.

About the position

What? You came to a job ad looking for details of the job? Weird. Well all right, have some buzzwords.

We are looking to contract highly motivated, client focused technicians
(because the pay is going to be shit and you’ll have to talk to our idiot customers)

with the possibility of developing and transitioning into the role of “Lead Tech”
(“possibility” in this case means you have to wait for the boss’s nephew to die first; the quotes around “Lead Tech” mean we call you that when you’re being blamed for things but you don’t get any more money or perks for the “promotion” — just more responsibility)

for our ever growing list of clients.
(our marketing team keeps promising the moon to randos they meet on LinkedIn and/or FetLife, so every week there’ll be a new impossible set of promises for you to disappoint them about)

The primary focus of this role is provide oversight and escalation paths to our service desk team on behalf of our clients.
You talk to the idiots so we don’t have to.

At CompanyName, we aim to put the clients at the centre of all our decisions and avoid “hiding behind the technology”.
Our marketers think “wireless broadband” is a new kind of tennis racquet, but that doesn’t stop them saying yes to everything the clients suggest, up to and including things that break the laws of physics, chemistry, biology, conservation of motion, energy-matter equivalence and the tax codes of thirty seven countries. Then, if they don’t get what they want, it’s the fault of you obstructionist geeks.

The successful applicant must display a strong client focused approach to all day-to-day tasks and responsibilities.
The rules change according to whoever last phoned up to scream at our receptionist. Be prepared to pivot at random, all day and every day.

The successful applicant must possess a highly positive attitude and have a willingness to learn and work as part of team.
Everyone else who worked here developed assorted mental health issues and/or alcohol dependencies. Will you be the first to beat the curse? Maybe, but I kind of doubt it.

Key duties (may include but are not limited to):

• Resolve Critical or High level IT support requests.
  (The receptionist is sick of the screaming and will have your extension on a PostIt note. Expect to hear from her A LOT.)

• Handle escalated IT help requests / queries.
  (Sometimes, nothing works. At that point, what used to be your problem becomes your problem again, only more so, and in ALL CAPITALS.)

• Maintain and oversee client IT documentation.
  (You could start by writing page one of it. For that, you’ll have to find someone who knows how the stuff works and has the time, the inclination and some grasp of human language to explain it to you so you can write it down. Good luck with that!)

• Oversee and assist in scheduled maintenance checks.
  (We’re thinking it might be time to upgrade our 4000 users from Windows 98 soon, so let us know if you can recommend a warez site with cracked Windows XP licences.)

To be successful:

Skills

• Must be strongly client focused.
  (They SCREAM, I tell you! It’s unbearable! You’ll see!)

• Display’s strong organisational and time management skills.
  (There’s so much work to do, we didn’t even have time to proofread this for apostrophe abuse!)

• Driven and motivated to learn and grow.
  (You’ll need to bring your own motivation because the Payroll department won’t be providing much.)

• Reliable, both internally and externally.
  (Your life will be ours. Lunch breaks are for the weak. You didn’t have a family or friends, did you?)

• Approachable, both internally and externally.
  (Working with these people feels like an eternal colonoscopy.)

• Able to work well in a team.
  (Hahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!! )

• Have the ability to multitask and manage multiple jobs at a time.
  (Minute one of day one working for us, you’ll already be overdue on sixteen urgent projects, all of which are your fault.)

• Display strong problem-solving skills and think outside the box.
  (Boxes are too expensive. You don’t get a box. Learn to work without it.)

• Excellent communication skills, verbal and written, both internally and externally.
  (Honestly, if you can grunt more than three vowels, you’re ahead of this bunch of gibbons, but it’d be nice if you could speak a human language. You’ve already got a good idea of what sort of written communication skills we consider acceptable, so you’re probably going to cruise in there at least.)

• Has a positive, can-do attitude.
  (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAget me a bottle of gin.)

• Able to handle high-pressure situations.
  (*incoherent gurgling noises*)

Technical Skills / Knowledge

• Outstanding troubleshooting skills and attention to detail.
  (If the problems were easy, the receptionist would have already fixed it.)

• Experience supporting, or knowledge of server operating systems such as Server 2008, 2012, 2016.
  (But mainly Win95 and Win98. We threw those other numbers in because we saw them on the redirection website the last time we tried downloading updates.)

• Experience supporting Microsoft desktop operating systems in an Active Directory environment.
  (Especially changing the background pictures. That one’s a toughie.)

• Office 365 and Azure administration experience.
  (How do you make those little square bullets in dot-point lists? Those are so cool.)

• Printing Troubleshooting.
  (PC LOAD LETTER? What does that even mean?)

• Understanding of Network Fundamentals (DHCP, DNS, VLANS, Switching, Wi-Fi).
  (Can you remember the wifi password? It was something about the boss’s dog, but we can’t remember if it had capitals or not.)

• Experience working within a virtual environment.
  (Our environment is virtually working. Just needs a bit more fiddling.)

• Broad range of third-party application support experience.
  (Specifically, while the sales team are at one of their regular, interminable, boozy office parties, you’ll be left supporting the applications. Don’t bother dressing up.)

Experience

• Please identify clearly if you have had 5 – 10 years of experience OR 10+ of experience in the ICT industry
  (Are you a clueless n00b who will work for peanuts, or a superannuated old fart who’ll be grateful for anything to get him away from the gardening? We’ll adjust your salary expectations to suit: downward in either case.)

• Experience in understanding the unique regions of [region] and client mix would be an advantage.
  (I forgot to mention the sheer number of toothless yokels who somehow bubbled to the top of their corporate foodchains and are now earning ten times what you’ll be getting while demanding that you explain AGAIN where the “any” key is. If you can say something cheery about the local football team, it may distract them long enough for you to fix their actual problem.)

Position Details

• This position will be based in the [city] office.
  (A converted granny flat above an iron smeltery in an industrial wasteland thirty thousand miles from the CBD.)

• Contract initially, with a view toward possible Permanent Full Time.
  (When the nephew dies. Don’t take out any large loans.)

• Up to 38-hour week, flexibility of work hours between 6 AM – 6 PM.
  (“Up to”. That’s precious. Remember, the CEO has a webcam trained on the carpark. If you’re not still there at 9pm, you can expect unpleasant emails about your work ethic.)

• Successful applicants to start early July 202x.
  (Allowing for CV-shuffling, interview scheduling, wrangling with agencies, HR indecision and the phase of the moon, you can expect your initial call for an interview in early 202x+3 and a final decision by the last Tuesday of September 202x+7.)